Score: 8/10
”Cardinal Lawrence has one of the world’s most secretive and ancient events, participating in the selection of a new pope. Surrounded by powerful religious leaders in the halls of the Vatican, he soon uncovers a trail of deep secrets that could shake the very foundation of the Roman Catholic Church.”
tl,dr: In a movie about a hundred old priests, M. Night Shyamalan himself couldn’t dream of coming up with a plot twist this woke.
Conclave is the 2nd major motion picture from director Edward Berger, the first of which was the epic All Quiet on the Western Front (2022). Google claims he’s had other films, but I’ve never heard of them so they don’t count. Also according to Google, this is the “9th Most Searched for Thriller Today”… another lie. Going into this movie I was unaware how a bunch of old priests electing their next leader could be remotely thrilling, if anything that sounds like quite possibly the most boring scenario of all time. This movie did nothing to change that perspective. Seriously, take a step back and imagine going to a Catholic mass except instead of a single priest there’s over 100 and instead of an hour and a half it lasts multiple days. How there’s not a single shot in this movie of an octogenarian catching a nap is a travesty. So Thriller? No. Good movie? Not surprisingly yes, given the Oscars buzz. Entertaining? Surprisingly, yes. Although at times it feels manufactured – mostly by using “thriller” music.
Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort) stars in the lead role as the dean of the College of the Cardinals, Cardinal Lawrence. Dumb fact, Ralph pronounces his name “Rayf” which is allegedly some olde timey english pronunciation of “Ralph” dating back to Shakespearian times. That’s dumb, and he will be referred to as Rayf Fiennes from here on out. The old pope has died, and according to the Catholic bylaws, the dean of the Cardinals must reside over the conclave to elect the new pope. A quick refresher on the catholic church hierarchy that’s 100% not necessary to enjoy the movie:
Now let us proclaim, the myyyysteerrryyy offff faiiiith
- The Pope
- Top dog, head of the church
- Our current pope is Pope Francis more colloquially known as Papa Francisco. An Argentinian who was once a bouncer, a janitor, and a chemist.
- He was preceded by Pope Benedict XVI, the first pope to resign while still alive, like ever. He stepped down for “health reasons” which is catholicism for “I mishandled sexual misconduct cases in my organization worse than Joe Paterno”. Unlike JoePa he lived for like 9 years after stepping down.
- The College of the Cardinals
- There’s a few hundred of these guys, all appointed directly by the pope.
- Despite being Catholic, they wear read yarmulkes.
- Cardinals can no longer vote for the new pope after they turn 80. While I’m not saying we should institute something similar in American elections, makes ya think.
- The top Cardinal, elected by the other Cardinals, is the dean – Rayf Fiennes
- Archbishops
- Oversee archdioceses such as New York, etc.
- Basically regional directors with funny hats and a big wooden staff.
- Bishops
- Bishops without the arch in front of it
- There’s like 5,000 of these old fellas hobbling around out there.
- Fun fact I was an altar boy when the bishop came to my church back in the day. We had to wear special “gloves” to touch his hat and staff, lest our unholy palms were to poison the sacred garments. Seemed absurd at the time (I cried because I had to hold the hat not the sick ass staff), still seems absurd 20 years later.
- Priests
- You get it
On top of Rayf Fiennes, there are a few other protagonists or would-be popes hanging around the Casa Santa Marta for the election, all of whom have some sort of baggage (surprisingly, not sexual abuse). John Lithigow (Lord Farquaad in Shrek) as Cardinal Tremblay, a Canadian moderate who met with the old pope right before he died – suspicious! Stanley Tucci as himself Cardinal Bellini, an American liberal – down with the gays and other religions. There’s a Mexican Cardinal nobody has ever heard of who shows up unannounced with a checkered past – as one would expect from a Mexican priest his congregation is in Afghanistan. Of course. At the opposite end of the spectrum from Stanley Tucci, there’s Cardinal Tedesco, a fiery (racist) Italian who’s very much not down with Muslims. Odds are set at -200 he’s a Lazio ultra banned from attending matches. Finally, Lucian Msamti as Cardinal Adeyemi, a Nigerian who’s views can be pretty much summed up by real-life journalist Simon Kaggwa Njala:
I, like most of the population, gained all of my knowledge on the papal succession process from EuroTrip (2004) so it was interesting to see how it all actually works, assuming this movie isn’t lying to us. To be named the new pope, a Cardinal must receive a majority of the votes from the College. Seems simple, however, on top of there quite literally being 100+ candidates, each power hungry priest has their own little sect of followers that vote as bloc. If the winning pope needs 80 votes, the first round frontrunners start with ~20 votes, and half the college receives at least one vote (I wonder if any of them voted for themselves!) As such, it can and does take many rounds of voting to finally come to a consensus on who gets to wear the crown. I did the deep research so you don’t have to – the longest conclave on record lasted 3 years (!!!) back in the 1200s. More recently, in the 1700s, one lasted 6 months. Anyway, they all congregate in the Sistine Chapel, write a name on a piece of paper, count the vote …. and repeat until someone is elected, someone dies, or someone converts to Judaism (they already have the hats!).
Knowing as little as I do about the process it was tough to separate fact from artistic license. Rayf Fiennes character is running the election, while also being a sequestered voting member. Unlike all the other Cardinals, he’s running around like he’s Sherlock Holmes trying to find problems with anyone who arises as a frontrunner to win. Clearly, he’s not playing by the rules (as previously stated, I don’t actually know the rules). If you’re sequestered you shouldn’t be able to use things like the internet, or break into the dead pope’s room to read his journal. Because of this, unlike well made mysteries, there aren’t really “clues” to find along the way that get revealed at the end with gratuitous slow-mo flashbacks that make you say “ohhh damn I missed that”. Rayf is just rolling around, finding dirt, and more or less announcing it to everyone – I didn’t like that very much. As such, the ending (who won) and the corresponding Shyamalan twist (coincidentally, also who won) don’t hit as hard as they should. That said, I enjoyed the film, and was somehow entertained by again, quite possibly the most dull topic I can think of. Perhaps it’s because I was an altar boy back in the day. It’s free – watch it.
Spoilers / Reaction:
- You have to know a lot of languages to be a Cardinal. These fellas were switching from English to Spanish to Italian….but never French! I wonder if they have translators in real life like at the U.N.
- Some patently absurd parts to this movie:
- I refuse to believe even in make-believe-Vatican-land that a trans or intersex Mexican priest who’s the Archbishop of Kabul would ever win any election, let alone the election for the pope.
- The bomb going off DIRECTLY outside of the Sistine Chapel while the voting is going on? No fucking chance. Also, I don’t really understand what that “civil unrest” outside the sequestered college did to help the movie. Just to make Tedesco go on a bit of a rant about Muslims which somehow gets everyone on Cardinal Benitez’s side?
- This movie is up for 8 Academy Awards, notably:
- Rayf Fiennes as Lead Actor. He was great, but no greater than he is in every movie he’s in. There wasn’t much range in his character – the scene where he breaks down crying after breaking into the pope’s room was eh.
- Isabella Rossellini as Supporting Actress. I legit had to look up who this was and what character she played. I think she has maybe 5 lines in the entire movie. She has one “speech” that I suppose was good, but Oscar? What?
- Best Original Score. See above gif from Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008).
- Stanley Tucci plays himself / brings nothing to the table that would make me think “yea that’s a pope”.
- I honestly thought in my head watching this that Jon Lithigow was in The Two Popes (2019) alongside Anthony Hopkins. Turns out that’s Jonathan Price…whoops.