“Years after witnessing the death of Maximus at the hands of his uncle, Lucius must enter the Colosseum after the powerful emperors of Rome conquer his home. With rage in his heart and the future of the empire at stake, he looks to the past to find the strength and honor needed to return the glory of Rome to its people.”
SCORE: 8/10
tl,dr: Epic, action packed return to Rome with Ridley Scott, but nowhere near the masterpiece of the first film, and overladen with fan service.
Against everyone’s wishes, Gladiator II is a direct sequel to Gladiator (2001) set 16 years after Maximus Decimus Meridius slayed the previously most perverted Caesar, Commodus. Paul Mescal plays Hanno, a strapping young commander of a kingdom in North Africa, married to a hot also non-african lady with face tats. Immediate opposite him, representing the blue corner (Rome), is General Marcus Acacius played by Pedro Pascal. Maybe it’s a combination of assbergers and mild dyslexia, but having 2 main actors with such similar last names should be illegal. In a hypothetical matchup of Pascal (measure of pressure) vs Mescal (delicious, smoky tequila thing), you’d think Mescal would come out on top. Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. As can be clearly seen from the trailer poster name of the goddam movie, it’s clear who’s about to subjugate who and who’s going to end up as a gladiator.
We eventually get to Rome, cause all roads lead there, and clearly Maximus’ dying wishes of a better Rome crashed and burned between the first movie and the second. There are twin brother Caesars in power – Caracalla and Geta, and holy shit can you emphasize the first syllable of the latter to describe these two. Caracalla (played by Sydney Sweeney’s idiot brother in White Lotus Season 1) & Geta (Eddie from Stranger Things) combine to hold 5 braincells, and are apparently real historical figures. Now I understand Commodus (Joaquin Phoenix) was a little squirrely in the first one, ya know killing his dad, Maximus, Argento, Scatto, etc; but he at least had some depth. He was passed over for the throne dammit! He was supposed to be the ruler, he just had some daddy issues. These 2 idiots – how am I supposed to believe that they were the ones who won the power vacuum after the last Caesar decided to try his hand at gladiatorial combat? Also what happened to that wee lad Lucius? I digress.
Let’s talk about Denzel aka Macrinus. Now, before we get into this, I love Denzel. He’s an incredible actor, hit after hit throughout his career and may be so good at acting he incepted his son into being good at football with things he picked up on Remember the Titans (2000). Now that we have that out of the way, he plays Macrinus the same way he played Frank Lucas in American Gangster (2007). Imagine you grabbed a New Yorker and just plopped him into ancient Rome – you’d have Denzel in this movie.
“But Colin, you said above this is an 8/10 movie, all you’ve done is bitch about it” First of all – shut up. Second of all, you’re right. This movie slaps, but it’s held back somewhat by being attached to the IP that was nominated for 12 Academy Awards and won 5 of them 20+ years ago. It’s like all these shitty Lord of the Rings movies and shows being pushed out – it’s a slight to the original if the rest of the releases don’t live up to the OG. We have gladiators riding rhinos, a fucking NAVAL BATTLE in the coliseum (I almost came), someone gets murdered with a wooden practice sword (I did come), but still the writing, plot, and overdone fan service got in the way. That said, watch it – worth the $20 rental.
Spoilers:
- Am I taking crazy pills? Why in all of the fucks did they have to make Lucius/Hanno Maximus’ son? After watching this I went back and watched the first one for the 25th time, and it still makes absolutely no sense. Lucilla and Maximus clearly had some history, which is eluded to at multiple times in the original installment, but there is nothing to imply that the two procreated. Maximus loved Marcus Aurelius like a father, he would go behind his back like that and bang his daughter / make the NEXT IN LINE to the EMPEROR a bastard?? Doesn’t make a lick of sense. Furthermore, the entire plot / Maximus’ entire motivation is getting revenge on his wife and son who were murdered by Commodus. What does it even add to the plot of the sequel to make him Maximus’ son? It would have worked just as well for him to be the true son of Lucilla, who met Maximus once, like what actually fucking happened. Pisses me off that they’ve somehow, retroactively, disparaged the original with this sequel.
- The naval battle scene was fucking epic. Flooding the coliseum, having gladiator slaves fight to the death on boats – unbelievable roman empire boner fuel. That said, fucking Great White Sharks? What? Might as well have put some laser beams on their head, cause why not?
- The monke Dondus, kind of loved that. Haven’t looked up if that was historical or what but shoutout Harambe.
- Speaking of Harambe, baboons would absolutely fuck you up. No human is going head to head unarmed with a fucking baboon. And while we’re on the subject, the tiger in the 1st movie was real right? I mean it was 20 years ago and I don’t recall it looking as bad as the CGI baboons.
- Ole Denzel still has a little fight left in him eh? He was beating Mescal’s ASS at the end there. Thank god Hanno had on the impenetrable leather jerkin of Maximus otherwise those FULL BODY STABS might have taken him out, huh.
- Finally, imagine being this dude during that epic final speech. No chance he heard fuck all that was being discussed down there from 1/2 a mile away.
