Score: I don’t even care
”Elisabeth Sparkle, renowned for an aerobics show, faces a devastating blow on her 50th birthday as her boss fires her. Amid her distress, a laboratory offers her a substance which promises to transform her into an enhanced version of herself.”
tl,dr: seriously, what the fuck.
I don’t even know where to begin with this. On one hand, I can confidently say I wish I had my $6 and 2h15m of my life back. On the other, this movie is so utterly preposterous that it’s almost worth watching just so you can see what all the fuss is about. What I am 100% sure of: this movie has absolutely no business being nominated for any awards, and frankly the director, writer, and producers should all be mandated by the government to undergo psychological evaluations and potentially be imprisoned for crimes against humanity. Pretentious, fart-sniffing film critics almost assuredly have some asinine takes on this movie involving phrases like “bold filmmaking” or “thought provoking cinema” … they’re wrong. This movie is ass.
Elisabeth Sparkle (Demi Moore) is an aging actor? I think? She has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and I’m pretty sure there’s a reference to her winning an Oscar at some point early on in the film. In hindsight, I should have known we were in trouble with this thing when there’s snow and a maple leaf in Los Angeles in the opening scene. I’ve never been to LA, but I’m pretty damned sure it doesn’t snow there. Curious when the last time it did snow there? I looked it up for you – 1949. Hot start. Anyway, this allegedly Oscar winning actress is now the star of some sort of Eric-Prydz-Call-On-Me 80s themed workout show on network television in the mornings. It’s her 50th birthday, and things are not going so well for Elisabeth: the writing is on the wall that she will be replaced on the morning show for a to-be-named-later younger, hotter woman. On her teary eyed drive home from work, staring at a billboard of her face being removed from an advertisement, she gets t-boned and ends up in the hospital. Yadda yadda yadda, she’s in the hospital, and a weirdly hot male nurse gives her the hookup to THE SUBSTANCE.
The premise is simple: you unlock a younger version of yourself, but must share your time on god’s green earth with each half – 7 days each, no exceptions. Enter Sue (Margaret Qualley) – Demi’s younger self, who quickly uses her allocated time to find fame & fortune (steal Elisabeth’s old job as head of the Eric Prydz dance party). You may think you know exactly how the “switch” happens between old & new, but I assure you you’re 100% wrong in whatever you’re thinking. Let’s just say whoever is in charge of cleaning that bathroom does not get paid enough. After a relatively successful first fortnight together, soon the two are at odds with one another, but remember “YOU ARE ONE”.
Clearly the theme of this movie is exploring attractiveness, desirability, and Hollywood’s “unrealistic beauty standards”. I haven’t seen a lot of Demi Moore movies, but calling this her “performance of a lifetime” seems like a bit of a stretch. Then again, she’s naked a lot in this movie for a 62 year old (playing a 50 year old). Talk about unfair beauty standards….not sure there are many people who would go full frontal that often at that age unless they’ve aged like a fine wine (had extensive plastic surgery). Speaking of nudity, Margaret Qualley, also very much very naked very often in this movie. The film never really explains why both versions are always naked, which is on par with just about everything else that happens in this. A fever dream.
“COME GET YOUR JURASSIC FITNESS” – Elisabeth, at herself
The premise and first hour or so of the movie was weird, but objectively good. Every second beyond that point felt like an hour, and the movie…just…doesn’t….end. I thought there was like 5 minutes left in the movie a half dozen times. The final scene is so utterly over the top and absurd I couldn’t even laugh at it. I was jaded, angry even. Save yourself the trouble of watching this entire thing and just find the final 10 minutes online somewhere….then decide if you want to watch the rest.
Here’s a spoiler-free sampling of things that occur in this movie, in no particular order:
- A chicken wing gets removed through someone’s belly button
- Dennis Quaid closeup while taking a piss
- At-home stitches
- At-home injections in the spinal cord
- Quasimodo makes an appearance
- Smeagol makes an appearance
- At-home nail removal
- At-home tooth removal
- Decapitation
Obviously a movie made in Hollywood, set in Hollywood, about Hollywood is going to get The Academy rock hard which explains the Oscar nominations. That said, this movie is a disaster. It’s so heavy-handed and “artistic” it’s hard to even make the case it’s so bad it’s good. Watch it, don’t watch it, I don’t care – at least now you’re informed.
Spoilers / Reaction
- I can’t decide which of the below characters is the most apt description of late-stage Elisabeth.
- Fred, the man who meets Demi Moore outside of the hospital early in the film, is literally Ned Ryerson from Groundhog’s Day.
- Demi Moore is literally a blood bag from Mad Max for like 90% of the 2nd half of this movie
- MONSTRO ELISASUE is actually the final boss from Spy Kids
- Google “The Substance, The Shining” and you’ll get a bunch of results of how this abortion is paying homage to Stanley Kubrick and blah blah blah. Wrong. There’s like one hallway that looks like it’s in The Shining, cool.
- The real parallel for this film is Requiem for a Dream:
- Jared Leto’s disgusting heroin arm wound = Demi Moore’s back butthole
- Jared Leto’s amphetamine addicted mother = Demi Moore while cooking
- Demi Moore and Jennifer Connelly look the same (yet, no ASS TO ASS in The Substance)
- While both are very tough to watch, at least RfaD is actually good.