The White Lotus is BACK, but regrettably, with a new theme song. I chuckled to myself as Max offered the “Skip Intro” button, how dare you even ask? While the new groove is funky, I did not find a single opportunity to ululate like a Navajo. Will continue to keep tabs on this as the season progresses and report back on the new track finding its way onto my spotify. New season means (mostly) new characters, a new destination, and most importantly, another death at The White Lotus. If this comes back for a 4th season, which I hope it does, its past time there’s some plot point about how people keep dying at this specific luxury hotel brand on a frequent basis. Unlike in seasons past, the opening scene is less “ohmygodtheresabodyfloatinginthewater” and more mass shooting event. Kind of disturbing tbh.
Also, important reminder: the one and only Ned Schneebly (Mike White) is the creator and lead showrunner of The White Lotus.
Let’s jump in:
Main Characters:
Timothy (Jason Isaacs) aka Lucius Malfoy – The workaholic father. Does not like people smoking cigs on the hotel ferry. From the trailer – clearly committed some light fraud with Kenny Nguyen from Brunei.
Victoria (Parker Posey) not Elizabeth Banks like my wife thought – overly medicated, aloof, ditzy. Appears to be an overall idiot but might all be a coping mechanism for her clearly fucking weird family.
Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger) – extremely horny, sleeps naked, and despite being named Saxon went to Duke not Georgetown. While they haven’t mentioned it yet, I sense lacrosse is going to get a nod as his sport of choice at some point.
Piper (Sarah Catherine Hook) – doing a senior thesis on Buddhism, a virgin according to Saxon, a Tar Heel according to her mother.
Lochlan (Sam Nivola) – absurdly named, senior in high school, conflicted on whether he wants to follow the brother who’s trying to bang him and go to Duke or follow his (hopefully normal) sister to UNC.
Rick Hatchett (Walton Goggins) – loves ripping darts and being a general dick to everyone. Is very interested in meeting Jim Hollinger, husband of the owner Sritala for some reason. Has done tantric sex.
Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood) – more like Aime Lou would. Has big teeth, appears to be 20+ years younger than her mans, Walton. Has offered tantric sex.
Kate (Leslie Bibb) aka Ricky Bobby & Cal Naughton Jr’s wife – somehow got her confused with Daphne from last season, clearly is BFFs w/ Jaclyn and Laurie somehow scored an invite to third wheel. Fan of plastic surgery.
Jaclyn Lemon (Michelle Monaghan) – a star on the silver screen, also a fan of plastic surgery, not a fan of horned up Saxon….yet?
Laurie (Carrie Coon) aka the lady from The Leftovers that got sexual satisfaction from being shot in the chest while wearing a bulletproof vest – the Dupree / third wheel of the threesome, potentially has not had any plastic surgery so thus feels left out. Of note: not as hot as the other two and also not married.
Mook – attendant to angry Walton Goggins + Chelsea. Is into hot, armed guards not vespa riding gate attendants like Gaituk.
Gaituk – feigns being happy with his lot in life as a gate bitch to save face in front of Mook, deep down yearns to be like the badass Hollinger armed guards.
Notable Others:
Belinda – the masseuse from Hawaii is back, this time on an all expenses paid corporate retreat. Probably happy that Tanya died in S2, after stiffing her for her wellness business.
Greg – speaking of Tanya, Greg’s back from S1/S2. If you recall, he’s very important at BLM (Bureau of Land Management, not Black Lives Matter). He also was in cahoots with the gays to have Tanya killed in S2. Also might be gay. He’s now with Chloe, and lives near the resort….in Thailand.
Sritala – Owner of this White Lotus, wife to Jim Hollinger who we haven’t seen yet but I’m pretty sure is going to be important. Can sing & dance. Also a fan of plastic surgery based on her face.
Random Musings:
- What in tarnation is going on with the Ratliff family? Fully grown adult Saxon makes Sydney Sweeney’s 14 year old brother from season 1 look like an asexual. Hitting on, and striking out with, anyone who has a pulse at the pool; calling his sister hot, claiming she’s a virgin, and then tickle attacking her; then basically asking his little brother if he wants to play soak the muffin in the hotel room. Not unusual to have a character this horny in The White Lotus, just all the previous ones didn’t try to also bang their siblings. Next, Victoria appears to be drugged up to the gills at literally every hour of the day.
- Now that I think about it, both the previous 2 seasons had major plot points revolving around “heterosexual” characters doing “non-heterosexual” things. Season 1 it was Armond and Dillon’s drug fueled ass eating. Season 2 it was Jack going to town on his uncle Quentin. This time I’m ready for it…if I only knew who…
- I always like to use “caliber” of actors to judge whether or not someone is going to be a main player, or just a red herring. Walton Goggins has the chops and is clearly up to something with the Hollingers, we’ll just have to wait and see what it is.
- Chelsea is this season’s agent of chaos. No telling what she’s going to do, but I don’t think she will be a murderer or murderee.
- The male masseuse (irish guy from The Last Kingdom) is going to lay some pipe down this season, likely on multiple people and multiple genders.
Predictions/Odds:
- Saxon ventures outside of the confines of the hotel and picks up a ladyboy (-200)
- Saxon bangs his brother (+400)
- Saxon tries to bang his sister and gets denied (+150)
- Saxon bangs anyone other than a ladyboy, a man, or his siblings (+950)
- Laurie loses it after 6 days of hearing Jaclyn/Kate talk about plastic surgery and goes on a rampage (+400)
- Rick Hatchett and Timothy Ratliff get into a fist fight (-250)
- Someone is an undercover government agent (+200)
- Gaituk makes a fool out of himself trying to save Mook from herself (banging the hot Hollinger guards) (-300)
- Greg Hunt dies before the final episode (+300)
Actual final prediction:
Rick and/or Timothy die along with Gaituk in a shootout over their business dealings in southeast Asia. Kenny Nguyen, Rick, Timothy, and Jim Hollinger are all connected somehow.